Walking on Broken Glass
by moonchick
Summary: M/Z It all comes down to the broken glass (chapter 2 added)
1. Numb

Hey

Walking on Broken Glass

Summary:It all comes down to the broken glass.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing.Characters belong to Cameron and Eglee, I'm just borrowing them.

Part One: Numb

I sit alone, perched on the edge of my bed.I tuck my knees close to my body struggling to hold onto the warmth of my body.I feel cold, as cold as ice. Just like my heart.

I peer down at the floor. The shards of glass glare back up at me menacingly.A thousand tiny diamonds.Their silvery surface reflecting up at me, almost smugly.Their sharp edges glint dangerously, their beauty almost distracting you from the pain and destruction they can cause. One mis-step and the pain would sear through your body.Or so it should.

I've tried.My feet are slashed and cut.Blood that flowed freely has now thickened and cakes the soles of my feet.The beauty of the glass is marred by the flowing red that now spatters the surface of many shards.But they still maintain their dangerous beauty.A marvel in itself.

And yet, when I should have felt the searing pain, I felt nothing.Not a single thing.I am numb.Both physically and emotionally numb.I sit as though my mind has been extricated from my body and now floats above observing my actions but feeling nothing.

I have only on few occasions felt this numb.And that was only ever for a few seconds.Such as the time when I was forced to kill my own brother.The grief and implications of what I had been forced to do left me numb.But only for a second.Then I was able to grieve.Able to feel the emotional impact of it.But not this time. I've been numb for hours now.Ever since he left.

I remember it all so clearly.Every word, every action.The scene plays over and over in my mind like a never-ending picture show.Everytime wishing I had done something differently, said something else, changed my tone.Anything that would have changed the scene's outcome.Anything that would have stopped me being left alone and numb.

Numb.A sensation you cannot really put into words.A feeling you cannot explain due to its lack of actual feeling.I feel paralysed.I see no point to movement.If your world had just crumbled around you, what reason do you have to move?It is as though my despair is so deep that my mind could not even begin to fathom it.My senses have all overloaded and shut down. Maybe permanently.

At this point all I want is to feel. To feel something.Anything.For the numbness to end.But I know it won't.Not for a long time.For now all I can do is sit and wait for the numbness to fade.If it ever will.


	2. Tears

Walking on Broken Glass

Walking on Broken Glass

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer:I own nothing.Characters belong to Cameron and Eglee.I'm just borrowing them.

Authors Note:Thanks to everyone who responded to my fic, you people are the best.Also thanks to Onionroach for some beta work.

Part 2: Tears

Crying is a way of showing emotion.Emotion is my weakness. That's why I don't cry. Showing my emotions is dangerous. Letting my feelings show is far more terrifying in some ways than anything back at Manticore.  
  
I have only cried a few times in my whole life. You would think after all the trauma, pain and suffering I have been through, that my emotions would have surfaced more often. But they haven't.  
  
Everyone tells you, 'you shouldn't hide behind a mask.' 'You shouldn't hide your motives and feelings.' But they have it backwards. If everyone hid behind their own personal masks, their facades, life would be so much simpler. There would be no complications from emotions such as hate and love.  
  
Love. Max. Pain. Searing through my body from my hand and heart. At least the reasoning for my hand's pain is logical. Even if the reason for me damaging it was not. My heart however, is a completely different matter.One I'd rather not discuss.  
  
The cool sensation of water dripping onto the collar of my leather jacket shakes me from my reverie. I reach out with my uninjured hand to wipe the water droplets from my jacket. In doing so I also brush my hand against my hair making more droplets of rain down on my clothing. It takes me a moment to remember why my hair is wet.  
  
I remember the shouting and sobbing. The pain of my hand and the trail of blood. Then the heaviness of my heart as I forced myself to walk down the stairs and out the building. Into the rain. The cool droplets had been my salvation. My body, ready to self-destruct from all the anger and pain, had been cooled down by the icy tears pouring down from the sky. Tears I wanted to shed, but could not.  
  
Now the anger had seceded, all that was left was the pain. A pain that wrenched my being so deeply that it hurt just to think about moving.That's when I had collapsed unceremoniously into the heap in which I now sit.Wallowing in my pain and self-disgust.  
  
I'm so sorry Max. I'm sorry I failed. Sorry I failed you. I just couldn't go through with it. I wanted to with all my heart, but something held me back. Or rather somewhere. Like you always said, I'm still back at Manticore. But you deserve the right to at least try and escape. To at least try and live a normal life.You didn't mean what you said.You just didn't want to risk losing your brother.And you won't.I will always be your brother and protector.Till the day I die.But that's all I can ever be.  
  
I understand this now. I think I always knew this secretly. I just always kept hope. But hope can't help us. Reality always has a way of slapping you in the face, just when you think you're free. It was idiotic and selfish to believe. To believe that we…  
  
Enough. I know what I have to do. I have to get up and walk away. Just walk away and not look back. Never look back on what was and then was not. Yet, I can't make myself leave. Why not? Because I'm still savouring that short moment when we were.  
  
A single solemn tear slides down my cheek to honour that moment.


End file.
